Twilight Movie Madness
by dracosoftie
Summary: A short PWP in honor of the release of Twilight, which opens in the U.S. on Friday. Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Draco and Pansy talk about the Twilight book series.


This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling and Stephenie Meyer. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's note:** While I'm still definitely a bigger fan of Harry Potter, I was recently drawn into the Twilight saga madness by a very good friend. This little PWP is in honor of the _Twilight_ movie release this week (even though Warner Bros bumped HP for it!), which excites me more than it should, given I'm 29, not 12.

***

"I don't see why we have to wait out here all night for tickets to a bloody _movie_," Ron groused, shifting around in the Muggle sleeping bag Hermione had brought for him. He lowered his voice, leaning in closer to the others seated near him. "A _Muggle_ movie."

Hermione rolled her eyes, letting her wand slide down her sleeve and casting a surreptitious Cushioning charm on the sidewalk beneath him. Ron's stony face didn't alter a bit, but Hermione heard him huff softly, which she took for an admission of gratitude.

"It's not _just_ a movie, you idiot," Ginny said, pulling her Muggle jacket around her body tighter to keep out the damp air. "It's _Twilight._"

Ron looked over her head, sending an appealing glance at Harry. Oblivious, Harry stretched and leaned back to rest his head on the brick wall behind him. Next to him, Draco was cuddled up in a sleeping bag of his own, sleeping with his head in Pansy's lap. Pansy was also oblivious to the conversation, her upturned nose buried in a thick book with a black spine.

"'It's _Twilight_,'" Ron mocked in a high falsetto voice, fluttering his fingers as he coquettishly batted his lashes. He rolled his eyes, snorting. "Whatever _that_ means."

Hermione sighed, digging into her bag for a copy of the book. She waved it in front of Ron's face, letting it fall heavily into his lap. His eyes narrowed as he took in the cover, which was adorned with two pale hands cradling an apple.

"I'm freezing my bits off, waiting in line _over night_ to watch a film based on a book about _fruit_?" he asked, incredulous.

Ginny slapped a hand against her forehead, slumping heavily onto Harry's shoulder. He patted her back absently, his eyes closed as he drowsed against the wall.

Hermione clucked her tongue, her annoyance clear on her face.

"It's not a movie about fruit, Ronald. It's a movie about vampires," she said matter-of-factly.

Ron shook his head, frowning.

"Oh, that's ever so much better," he snorted, his voice full of scorn. "Thank you for clarifying, Hermione. You've dragged us all out here to sit on a dirty London sidewalk in _November_ to wait for tickets to a Muggle movie about vampires. As if _they'd_ know anything about _vampires_. Most Muggles don't even believe in them."

Pansy looked up for the first time, sitting her open book on the ground next to her. Draco stirred, rubbing a cold hand over his face.

"They aren't vampires like Slughorn's pet Sanguini," she said, wrinkling her nose. "They're – well – they're _dazzling_."

Ginny sighed, a dopey look stealing over her face. Harry laughed, apparently listening to the conversation even though his eyes were closed.

"Dazzling?" Ron asked dubiously, his eyebrow arched as he took in the dreamy expressions on Pansy, Hermione and Ginny's faces.

"Well, yes," Hermione said, pausing to search for a better word.

"Dazzling, Weasel," Draco said sleepily, sitting up. "You know, gorgeous beyond belief, ability to turn on super-human charm and whatnot."

He waved his hand dismissively, as though those attributes meant nothing.

"The real reason to read it is the fight scenes," he continued, and Harry's head nodded, bumping lightly against the wall. "You have these beings with unbeatable strength, impenetrable skin and super-fast reflexes. Just think about it, Weasel: What happens when they _fight_? Epic battles, that's what."

Harry nodded vigorously again, his green eyes opening in excitement.

"Emmett can take down a full-grown grizzly bear with no fuss at all," Harry said, his eyes slightly unfocused as he thought about it. "And that's just the normal vampires, not even the ones with the special senses and talents!"

Harry and Draco were really getting into it, their voices rising as they continued, arms flailing as they gestured.

"Edward can read everyone's mind," Draco said, a wicked grin lighting his face. "Well, except Bella's, but that doesn't matter. Can you _imagine_? It'd be like the ability to do Legilimency against anyone you wanted, and they'd never have a clue!"

Harry's face broke into a manic grin, his eyes lighting as he picked up Draco's line of thought.

"What about Zafrina? Wouldn't you kill to be able to do _that?" _Harry asked waving his hands in emphasis.

"Bah," Draco said, waving Harry's comment away. "What good would that actually do you? No, I'd take almost any of the Volturi's powers over hers. I mean, come on, to be Jane?"

He raised a hand at Harry, who fell back against the wall in mock convulsions, pretending to be in pain. Draco laughed, and Harry relaxed back against the wall, smirking.

"Or Alec?" he continued, cracking up as Hermione picked up on their game, her eyes going blank and her hands frantically reaching out around her as though she couldn't see or hear.

"Yeah, you have a point," Harry conceded, reaching over to give Draco a good-natured shove.

"If he was a Cullen, you'd be scraping me off the wall an alley or two over," Draco said to Ron, who looked completely bewildered. "Super-strength, remember? These vampires can crush rocks into dust with their bare hands!"

Ron looked completely dumbstruck, though it was unclear if his expression was born of awe of the _Twilight_ vampires or just shock that Harry and Draco had read the books, too.

"But – but none of that is true," he stammered, his brow furrowing. "Vampires are one of the lower classes of magical creatures. They don't have any of those powers. Even _werewolves_ have more powers than vampires!"

Ginny and Pansy cracked up at his comment, and he noticed Hermione scowling at him. Ron was even more confused than before; what had he said that was funny?

"Ooh, so Ron's definitely a Jacob, then," Ginny choked out, laughing so hard she could barely breathe.

Pansy clutched at her side, doubled over from the effort of laughing so hard. Draco whacked her on the back when she started coughing, tears of hilarity running down her face.

"I think I'd be a Jacob," Harry said thoughtfully, his eyes narrowing as he considered it. "He could have been a Gryffindor. Very loyal."

Ginny socked him hard in the shoulder, glaring at him angrily. He held up his hands in defense, his eyebrows rising as he silently questioned the blow.

"You would definitely be an _Edward_," she spat, her bottom lip sticking out in a pout. "_Jacob_ wouldn't have dated Bella and then broken up with her just before he left on a dangerous mission to keep her out of harm's way."

Harry rolled his eyes, amazed Ginny had found a way to put a _Twilight_ twist on this old argument.

"Fine," he said, throwing up his hands. "I'd be an Edward. But I'll have you remember that Edward came back to Bella."

Everyone other than Ron had cottoned on to the argument, and they all looked away, trying to give the couple some privacy.

"Only because _Bella_ flew to Italy to force the issue!"

"Well, _Edward_ was willing to die for her! Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"_Edward_ wouldn't have needed to go before the Volturi if he'd just trusted _Bella_ to be there for him! But he couldn't! So he made things harder for himself by going it alone!"

Ron watched, fascinated, as Harry and Ginny volleyed back and forth. This _Twilight_ thing was starting to sound pretty interesting, he thought.

Harry and Ginny's rising voices had started to attract attention outside their little group, so Hermione waded into the argument before hexes began to fly on the Muggle street.

"Personally, I don't see what Edward's appeal is," she said, knowing her words would strike a chord in Ginny and Pansy, devoted Edward fans. "I'm a Jacob, myself."

"What?" Pansy shrieked. "That mangy mutt over Edward? Are you insane?"

Ginny, who had been having this argument with Hermione on a near-daily basis since the second book came out, simply wrinkled her nose.

"Jacob's tall and handsome, and he's so kind and selfless," Hermione continued, ignoring Pansy's interruption. "Plus, he has all that thick, glossy dark hair and those smoldering eyes. Mmm, and that hot, bronzed skin."

Ron subconsciously drew a freckled hand through his ginger locks, glancing over at Hermione's slightly dazed expression with concern.

Harry took pity on his friend, leaning over to pat him comfortingly on the knee.

"Don't worry mate," he whispered as Hermione continued to list Jacob's attributes to the consternation of Pansy and Ginny, "it's just her latent dog fetish."

Draco bit back a laugh, overhearing Harry's sympathetic words. Ron looked between Harry and Draco, horrified. Hermione had a dog fetish? Suddenly, her obsession with a fictional character didn't seem so bad.

"Oh for heaven's sake, Harry," Ginny said reproachfully, taking pity on her shell-shocked brother. "Ron, Hermione does not have a _dog_ fetish. She has a Sirius Black fetish. It's obvious that's why she's a Jacob. They both morph into giant, hairy animals."

Hermione's cheeks colored, and she quickly cast her eyes down to the pavement, suddenly fascinated by the sidewalk.

"Surely you knew," Pansy said, a smirk stealing across her face. "Most of your Order was in love with Sirius Black. Before he went to Azkaban, he was one of the Wizarding world's most eligible bachelors. Even _I_ knew that!"

Now, Harry looked scandalized as well. His godfather had been a sex symbol?

"You don't know the half of it," Ginny said, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "I had to share a room at Grimmauld Place with McGonagall once, and she talks in her sleep. The things that woman wanted to do to him!"

Unbidden, the thought of Professor McGonagall lusting after Sirius flashed through Harry's mind, the image forever etched inside his brain.

"Gah," he moaned, clutching his head. "No!"

Silence hung heavily between them for a moment, until Ron spoke up, his voice chipper.

"So, about these vampires …"


End file.
